(seen at tahoe::pilgrim)

Truth be told, I have begun to enjoy the solitude I have more and more, but I think that it's the (negative) result of finding relationships unsatisfactory--it's easier to be alone than to put myself out there.

I don't know, I'm rambling. I don't mean to be overly critical of the people around me, I mean to learn to "spur one another on to love..." I'm really very understanding, accepting & forgiving, but I don't come off that way. I've been told in the past that I'm respected more than I realize, and that I come off much stronger than I realize. Perhaps I push it and come off too strong because I don't believe anyone listens. Maybe I'm somehow, subconsciously, ineffectively, trying to demand that people will listen.

I remember when I was a child, maybe in 5th grade or so, on the playground one day I put my hands over my ears (not to hear anyone else???) and jumped up and down, screaming "listen! Listen! LISTEN TO ME! You're not listening to me!" Amazing, but things haven't changed, I'm just a bit less dramatic. Why? What is it? Why don't I think people are listening? Why do I never feel anyone understands me?

So...I turn to this. I'm a prime candidate for blogging! I can talk without knowing if anyone listens or not, so without the immediate rejection I avoid, it allows me to talk and talk and talk. Oy!

Well, it is a journey. Times like this make me evaluate where I am and where I'm going and consider steps I need to make positive changes. So, it's good, it just isn't fun.