This Land is My Land...

No "Absentee Landlord" here:

[via Fanatical Apathy]

To: The “Settlers”
From: God
Re: Eviction Notice

YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED that your tenancy of the following premises, to wit:

The property at The Gaza Strip, together with all buildings, sheds, closets, out-buildings, garages and other structures used in connection with said premises, will terminate on Monday, August 15, 2005, and you are now hereby required to surrender possession of said premises to the Palestinians on that day.

On a personal note, let me add that it pains me to file this notice. I really thought you were going to figure it out for yourselves, you know, “share and share alike,” “to each according to his need,” yadda yadda yadda.

But no. You had to get all snippy about it, even those of you who don’t even live there, fer cryin’ out loud. What’s up with that? All this mishigas over land that I promised “you” a few thousand years ago? You’d think a few dozen centuries of enslavement, diaspora, and whatnot would’ve clued you in that you’re going to have to work out your problems with other people without my help, that I’m not going to intervene and keep you on that land if you insist on behaving like a bunch of assholes. You’d think.

Yes, I’m an angry God. That at least shouldn’t be a shocker.

And by the way, let’s say you do settle all that land that I promised you? What then? I don’t remember saying anything like “…and then I’ll give you all free candy and the best seats for Mets games,” do you? Nope. It’s just land, after all. Nobody’s going to Heaven for occupying the right piece of real estate, even if you improve the property and put in a couple of pools and a senior center and whatnot.

Okay, okay, so I “gave” you the land. Did I say “and nobody else can use it?” Did I say “and don’t be giving any of it away to the locals if you’re not really living there?” Did I? It was a while ago and I don’t check my notes that often, but probably not.

Yes, yes, you’re still the Chosen People. But anyone have any idea why I Chose you? Anyone? Show of hands? No? Tellya what - why don’t you think about that one for a while instead of getting all your panties in a bunch over what school district you’re living in?

Let’s be reasonable. You needed land, I gave you some. You’ve got a good thing going right now. If the land you’re really living on gets too crowdy sometime in the future, come back and ask me for more. I’ll see what I can do, though it’s really a seller’s market out there. I’ll think of something. But no promises. Not anymore, because apparently those come back to bite me on the ass a couple of millennia later!

Okay? Your government told you, the majority of your people told you, the rest of the world told you, and now I’m telling you. I’ll even ‘kick it old-school,’ if it’ll make you feel better:

Go forth. I command thee.! Etc.! For there are some nice places up near Haifa right now, very Reasonable Prices, and lo! I have commanded you to go there and find thee a home. And behold! For I have seen the mortgage rates to be Reasonable in My eyes, and have provided that thou mayest have Decent Parking and Good Proximity to milk, honey, and other Perishables. Be fruitful and multiply, so that thou mayest have to at Some Point build a spare room or two above your Garage, which would be Pleasing to My eye, providing thou dost not opt for a Mock Tudor styling or something like that, for this is, after all, the Middle East, and who are we trying to Kid anyway? But I Digress. Go!

Yours sincerely and BFF,

God