Wishes Aren't Fishes

Then, one night, I had a dream that I lost my home and everything I owned in a fire. Everyone has disaster dreams; I'd had them before. Usually, you wake up, you shake it off, you say a prayer of thanks if you're smart, and then you go back to sleep.

But I kept having those dreams -- consciously, I knew it was because of the way I'd immersed myself in worrying about the aftermath of Katrina and Rita, and the horrifying impact the storms had had on thousands of people. It was purely an accident of geography that I wasn't in the same situation as all those people. And why did I live here? Why did I have things so many others didn't have? Was I worthy? Shouldn't it be taken away if I was reckless with it?

The idea of loss stuck with me into the next day, week... month. I started wondering what I'd do if I lost my job. I started thinking about what I should start acquiring, just in case my luck ran out. I talked to my friend who lost so much in Katrina about how he was picking up the pieces, and I thought about how quickly everything in my life could change for the worse, too. I could be destitute in the blink of an eye....

I'd gone from wishlists to possessions to guilt to fear in sixty days or less. It was such a waste of emotion and an unthankful way to look at my life -- whether I was wanting for money and dreaming of shopping or loathing myself for having more than the bare minimum, I was cultivating ingratitude on a grand scale.

When I look at both sides of the coin now, I'm embarrassed.

And I'm seeing things more clearly now. And enjoying life more.

I figured out that I needed to organize my spending more in order to start giving to others in a deliberate, organized, need-based way. I decided to start saving and planning ahead for things like houses and cars, because those things might end up feeling like possibilities for me one day. And I decided to practice thankfulness instead of materialism as soon as I would feel my wishlists kicking in, while at the same time, allowing myself a few things here and there that gave me a sense of satisfaction to earn.

Tonight, I learned that one of my roommates is moving on in a short while, which throws my financial picture into a bit of turmoil again. What is extra now is probably going to be assigned to fresh costs in months to come.

But I refuse to feel like I am making steps backward.

There is no backward for me anymore, or a particular state of income or lack of income that is going to create either greater peace or greater guilt in my life. As soon as money starts to dominate my thoughts like that, I know that I need to get a serious dose of perspective either way. It's just stuff -- or a lack of stuff, if you will.

And whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. Because wishlists are not what matter -- living is. And I haven't managed to stop doing that yet.

[via Blogcabin, emphasis mine]