For December 6th...

There are many reasons Amir and others are so harsh toward predators and abusers, especially toward children. One of those reasons is the long-term struggle of the victim/survivor to understand and identify and accept healthy love and affection throughout their lives. This is certainly true of me. I have prayed for many, many years that God would reveal His love to and toward and for me in tangible ways that would enable me to internalize real love.

I have mentioned before that my fiance is not what I was looking for but is everything I need and was afraid to need. What he is and has been is a man who loves me unconditionally and with extreme patience. When I share (appropriate) details about how he treats me with my close friends, their jaws drop in awe and shock. He is truly rare among men, and God is using him to express His love in real and tangible ways that I will eventually internalize over time.

I know this may seem simple to many, and I know it is difficult to explain to those who have never experienced abuse. My parents, grandparents, ex-husband, ex-in-laws have all abused me. So, for my whole life I have longed for this kind of love. How odd, then, it is that I have such a difficult time receiving this kind of love. I continue to be cautious, fearful. He continues to be firm, patient, solid.

These truths became poignant again this evening. {continue...}

[via Amir Larijani and the Order of Recon]

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what is your pain
everyone

i will stop being woman and
become a human being

here i tip the contents out
that i hope others share
not some private event
not what has happened

but what is real to all of us
we suffer from being human

[from this poem via Suzanne's Bookshelf, also: A Sombre Trio]