(c)Philip Leiter, 2004 [of The Door Magazine Chat Closet fame]
September 11, 2004
Dear Prayer Team Member,
Not since our BRAVE CHRISTIAN forefathers fight for (proper) religious freedom has there been a more important event than the election of our BORN AGAIN J President, George “W” (stands for Will-Of-God ) Bush.
Please consider purchasing your PRAY THE VOTE: Special Election 2004 kit. For only $49.95 you will receive the PRAY THE VOTE: Special Election 2004 embroidered cap, the PRAY THE VOTE: Special Election 2004 coffee mug, the PRAY THE VOTE: Special Election 2004 “official” stationary, complete with the “W” autograph (remember, W stands for Will-Of-God).
You will have the ASSURANCE of knowing that when your check clears central accounting, you will receive the following blessings:
1. A substantial reduction in your mortgage interest rate*
2. Preferred seating at your house of worship
3. Two free REMISSION OF SINS sessions led by our own Dr. Binkey LaRue.
4. A free copy of Dr. Laura’s latest book: God Hates Fags, and I Can Prove It.
5. A full year of CLEAN TOILETS , our PRESIDENTIAL PRAYER TEAM’S celebrated housekeeping program now in it’s fourth year of maintaining a Godly cleanliness.
Good Christian, should you fail to PRAY George W. Bush into the White House this November, much evil will be WROUGHT upon this great nation.
Should the SECULAR CANDIDATE prevail, all (proper) Christian thought will be IMMEDIATELY outlawed, BIBLE BELIEVING churches will be forced to pay a hefty worship tax, all PRAYER will be subject to approval by a board of Heinz Catsup trustees in an office located in - gasp- Boston, and underarm deodorant will be BANNED.
Prayer Partners, we simply cannot allow this to happen! Your tax deductible** payment is urgently needed to prevent these great CALAMITIES.
Simply complete the attached form, staple your W-2s where indicated, and return in the POSTAGE PAID envelope.
DON’T DELAY! Even as we prepare this appeal, the DARK ONE is working overtime to make sure the SECULAR CANDIDATE wins this November.
(or a secretary with authorization to use this name and rubber stamp thingie)
*requires an additional donation to PRAYER TEAM of the equivalent of your first three months mortgage payment, successful enrolment in our PRAYER DOLLARS mortgage loan program, and a routine, three year, monthly financial commitment to PRAYER TEAM not less than 10% of your GROSS annual salary (combined).
**not actually tax deductible, but we’ll place your membership certificate on the bulletin board outside our cubicle in the IRS headquarters.